Living in fear (part 1)

Eventually, I began waking up to the sensation of someone touching me at night. Whenever I would wake up, he would cover my mouth so that I couldn’t scream or say anything. Sometimes he would threaten me with worse if I ever spoke out. Over time, the touching progressed to the extreme (if your mind takes you there, yup! He did it!).

I decided to take action and bought a lock for my bedroom door. It was the kind that you could twist a lever/knob and it could unlock from the inside. I gave my parents a copy of the key in case of an emergency.

However, he somehow managed to find the key in their room, rendering the lock useless. So I bought a second lock, this time a locking door knob. Surely two locks should keep him out, right?

Despite my best efforts, he still managed to gain entry. At a loss, I always had to surrender. As an 8, 9, 10, 11-year-old girl, what were my other options?

I grew up not wanting to be around people. I felt disgusting and violated all the time. I would go to my room, lock the door, and only come out to deliver the newspapers, go to school, and eat. I would minimize my trips to the bathroom in fear he might grab me and sexually assault me more.

During my school years, I lacked close confidants with whom I could converse openly. I endured persistent bullying due to my attire, hairstyle, family circumstances, and the fact that I was adopted. My parents' financial situation was far from affluent. My father had experienced job loss as an accountant and had switched between various sales positions. My mother, on the other hand, worked as a school bus driver. Haircuts were a family affair, managed by my mother, and our wardrobes predominantly consisted of hand-me-downs from our church community. I struggle to recollect a time when I ever donned brand-new clothing.

As a mother, I made a conscious decision to provide my sons with the clothing and brands they desire as they grew older and developed their own unique styles. I also ensure they have the freedom to choose how they want their hair styled and where they prefer to have it done. This is one of the ways I aim to give them something I never had.

I am exceptionally protective of my children. While many parents are naturally protective, I consider myself to be particularly vigilant. However, our close-knit family shares an unbreakable bond, and we engage in open discussions about every aspect of their lives.