"Family" and physical contact
- Wendy
- Feb 16, 2020
- 2 min read
Updated: Oct 1, 2023
Considering my upbringing and the family I was born into, you might understand my strong aversion to the word "family."
I often yearned for the kind of family one might find in the pages of a storybook. I imagined how wonderful it would be to have the sort of positive, loving relationships with siblings, parents, or relatives that are often portrayed in movies – that would have been a dream come true!
Of course, I'm fully aware that no family is perfect. Families have their share of disagreements, especially among siblings. I've had my fair share of that, too, particularly when it comes to my own children!
But I believe that most families have at least one sibling or relative with whom they share a deep bond and friendship. Regrettably, I can't say I've ever experienced that kind of connection. After all, how could I, when I so often felt profoundly isolated?
The very mention of the word "family" evokes an involuntary cringe. Hearing it summons a flood of unpleasant memories and emotions.
I tend to steer clear of typical family-related terms. I seldom use the word "family" itself and avoid terms like "mom" and "dad." Instead, I favor titles such as "my boys," "my sons," "my boys' grandparents," "my boys' aunts and uncles," and so forth. I don't often refer to my family members at all. When I do, it's more about individuals – Grandma Hanne, Grandpa, Angela, or the girls.
I don't maintain regular contact with my family. If I can set my feelings aside, I may see them once or twice a year. After all, I don't believe my boys need to be exposed to so much negativity in their lives.
Similarly, I'm not particularly comfortable with personal physical contact, such as hugs and kisses. However, my boys are the exception. My two teenage sons have reached an age where they're not keen on hugging and kissing their mom, but I do manage to coax a hug or kiss from them on occasion. Even though I'm not fond of it, I recognize the importance of my boys feeling loved so they can grow into loving men. I understand that they're teenagers and I'm their mom, so I respect their need for personal space. I don't recall them being particularly affectionate boys, though.
My youngest son is a special case. He is remarkably gentle and exceptionally compassionate. He tells me he loves me over a hundred times a day. We often engage in friendly competitions to see who loves the other more and who can give the most kisses and hugs.
All of this being said, I still recoil when anyone else attempts to hug me. I'm not certain if I'll ever overcome this aversion. Forgiveness is something I've struggled with, but that's a topic for another post when I delve into my faith.
Some understanding as to why people don't talk about sexual abuse:
Some articles I found that relate to how I feel with personal contact:
Some suggestions on different types of hugs:
Some suggestions on how to support someone who has been through sexual abuse:
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